I’ll never forget the first time I had to mark the Widow box on a form I was filling out. I was in Medford, Oregon standing at the counter in the urgent care center I had driven myself to after falling and breaking my wrist.
Yesterday marked four months since Rob passed away. So much has happened but things are starting to slow down now and I’m spending more time thinking and examining my feelings. I’d known it was coming for years but suddenly I’m a widow.
People ask me how I am often. Emotionally I feel OK especially since the sun has started to shine more often. The thing is, I feel a little lost. Like I have no identity and no purpose.
I also feel incredibly brain damaged. Is there an official diagnosis of Widow’s Brain? I lose things all the time. I forget what I’m doing. I say inappropriate things at inappropriate times. To an extent I’ve done this all my life but it’s worse now.
Fortunately I’m able to laugh at myself most of the time. I lost my Kindle somewhere along this path and have never found it. I’ve replaced it now but I will always wonder what happened to it. Perhaps I threw it into the trash or a donation bag. I may never know.
I’m not writing this to complain or garner sympathy. I’m just thinking “out-loud” about who and what I am and am not at this point in my life.
I’m not sure what to do with myself most of the time. There are things I think I’d like to do but I really don’t seem to have any drive in a specific direction, no passion. I guess it’s just too soon.
After spending the last twenty years taking care of someone so important in my life to have him suddenly gone and not needing my help all the time I’ve been set adrift. I know it will take time to find myself and figure out how I want to spend my time.
I have lots of family nearby and I enjoy spending time with them. The thing is, I’m a single now and not part of a couple and things are so different when that happens. I had no idea.
I’m very independent and very stubborn and I know I’ll be fine. I just need to find out what makes me tick now. I’m working on getting into a routine so I don’t spend too much time sitting here watching TV or not showering until noon.
With better weather comes more time outside and Murphy is loving that. We walk around the property every evening and he gets to have a good run. He’s also starting to enjoy playing fetch (sometimes).
Murphy’s third birthday was yesterday. Can you believe it?
I do plan to set out on a long trip in the fall. I haven’t spent much time planning yet because I’m trying to be still and let things unfold. I’m going to have to have another surgery on my wrist before I head out because they want to remove the plate they used to stabilize the fractures. I’m not looking forward to that but I’m pleased with my recovery and my scar is looking better every day so I can’t complain.
Thanks for listening friends!